The road goes ever on and on....

Nearly 2 years since I last blogged about starting the journey to becoming a black belt and it feels strange coming back in and starting again. Looking back on all the posts I made during that period it brings it all back, the stress, the pressure I put on my self, the feeling of exhilaration, nervousness and excitement when I finally graded and was awarded my black belt. But I also noticed the pause afterwards, a feeling of what next, the sudden feeling that I imagine everyone feels when they have been focused on something important, attained it and then cast about for the next challenge.

The two years after my black belt have felt a bit like that, I have seen itchy feet syndrome at work where I feel that I need to do something else, prove myself again at a higher level and live with a feeling of frustration whe things haven't progressed as I wanted them to. This has also led to a constant feeling of disruption, the inability to settle as I strive to find a groove to get back into. This inability to settle has also applied to my martial arts training, as I have worked hard to try and carve a new future professionaly, the time and commitment I have been able to give my martial arts training has suffered greatly.

I recall with great pride and happiness the feeling of wanting and needing to train all the time, the flush of excitement when I had nailed a certain pattern, or grasped a new concept at the school. This was matched by being surrounded by a great peer group who matched my levels of enthusiasm and we all fed off each others positivity. But where am I today, why have I kicked off the blog again?

last week I applied for my 2nd Dan in Ilyo Mu Do Kwan, and instead of feeling exhilarated I feel nervous, apprehensive, I'm asking questions of myself, can I commit, am I worthy of it, am I up to it and even Do I want it?

Things have changed, I'm different to who I was two years ago, I'm older, having turned 40 last year, I have been going through a prolonged period of I'll health which is just debilitating enough to affect my training and is enough to kick off bouts of feeling low and depressed.

So why do it? Why put myself through another 6 months of scrutiny, why challenge myself when I could just tick along, not test myself, just 'cruise'? Partly its because I have two young daughters and hey need to see an example of someone who doesn't just take the easy path, they need to see that to get something worthwhile in life you have to work hard, sacrifice and yes feel uncomfortable sometimes. But also it's very much a part of who I am, what makes me,me. Since starting marital arts training over 5 years ago I have become fitter, stronger, rediscovered a love for physicality, taken part in activities that have tested me, scared me and made me realise that life has to be lived to get the positive benefits, rather than just succumb to a so called 'simple' life.

This first post was always going to be a bit of a stream of consciousness, it's all the things that have been rattling around in my head for months since I started thinking of going for my 2nd Dan, this time it's more to prove to myself that I want to continue my journey though life than proving I have what it takes to make it.

This is me, Stewart Davison, with all the flaws, faults, imperfections, annoying habits, driven intensity, quick temper, even quicker laughter and the strong, stubborn will to begin the next chapter, to take the next turn in the road on my journey to being a black belt. Let's see what happens in the next 6 months, I hope you will hitch a ride with me.