Cream crackered

What a day, took advantage of the longer evening and the lovely sunshine to do some gardening, 3 hrs later I'm cream crackered, aching all over and feeling like I've just done a serious workout, maybe I should be planning in a weekly gardening session for cross training!

Was a bit of a meh type of day today, apart from the gardening I didnt get much else done and I feel a bit 'flat' to be honest, not much else to talk about, counting down the days until a weeks holiday so maybe I'm a bit distracted and rather than thinking ahead to the week off I probably need to just refocus a bit and get some stuff completed this week.

Grading time

Just got back from the first quarter grading, very enjoyable afternoon it was as we had a really good showing from the school and it was great to see a lot of students on the floor. A little disappointing fom a personal point of view as my theory is very rusty( I was aware of it but still..) Putting my customary positive spin on things I look at it as a review is there to pick up the learning points you need to take forward into the next quarter, so theory needs a good focus then!

A hectic weekend all told but in a good way. My dad came over to stay for the weekend from Ireland and as the weather was so nice on Saturday the whole family duly loaded up in the car and off we went to Lyme Regis. The kids enjoyed the beach, my eldest may have found a flint spear or arrowhead that could be 10's of thousands of years old and I just enjoyed the warm spring sunshine, the sound of the waves and slowly walking along the beach with my wife.

The sun is shining still today and I'm feeling very mellow, the mood enhanced by the thought of a smashing Indian take away later on. Got some chilled tunes on the go and will probably sink into a nice hot bath later on to complete a thoroughly enjoyable weekend. Hopefully the weather will continue for a few more days and I can keep this blissful vibe going!

Spring Sunshine

Grabbing 5 minutes break at the National Housing Finance conference at Warwick Uni campus and basking along with all the other delegates in the brilliant spring sunshine. I'm in a suit when I would rather be running, biking or walking through some gorgeous countryside. A small problem though, am not sure if any running will be on the cards for a bit as I have spannered my foot. I think I've bruised a tendon or ligament on my right foot as its very painful just putting weight on it. Very annoyed as this is most likely self inflicted when I went for the run on Monday, I was lured out once again by the good weather when I should have rested it. I'm going to leave it until the weekend and then I may go for a bike ride which obviously has less impact than a road run.

I need to be careful of getting injuries through running as this can be a slippery slope for me to start slacking off and as I have just started to enjoy a run I don't want to take a step back. Time for me to get back to the conference, wish I could sit out here all day.

Have I overdone it?

Yesterday was a nice relaxing day as it was Mothers Day and my kids were trying to be on their best behaviour. I treated us all to a nice Sunday lunch, and we all indulged in a wicked Chocolate Fudge cake that the girls had made for the occasion. The only problem after such an indulgent lunch was the fact that I felt like I needed an afternoon snooze, however luckily for me a combination of a sunny afternoon and the latest Twilight movie that all the girls in the house wanted to watch meant that I got my walking boots out and cracked on with a very quick 4.5 mile cross country walk.

Walking has always been one of my favourite activities as It is great for clearing your thoughts or chewing over a thorny issue, I did blast through it rather quickly and soon found myself back at home.

Today was again such a gorgeous day, with brilliant sunshine, a crisp fost and clear blue skies that I just had to get myself out for a run. As before pacing myself is still proving tricky and I was setting a very fast pace until I got on the home stretch where I was really feeling it from a CV perspective but of greater concern was a strain I was feeling on the inside of my right ankle. I think that after yesterday's walk I shouldn't have done the run, I am going to have to keep an eye on it over the next few days and see how it fairs. Perhaps switching a run to a bike IDE may have to be in order if it still feels tender.

Got to training tonight as well which was really good, this weekend sees the quarterly grading cycle so we had all the ducts on the floor, unfortunately the rust was most definitely encrusted on Chon Ji as it took two run throughs for it all to click back into place, which is rather embarassing for a BB and highlights that it has to be practice, practice, practice.

Pretty Vacant

This will be a pretty short post I imagine as the last couple of days have just gone by in a drug induced blur. I went into hospital on Thursday and at the point that they shot me with the anaesthetic the rest of the week kind of sailed by with me just occasionally focussing enough to drool over my new iPad that came yesterday. I did manageto to through very one of my patterns from Chon Ji all the way up to Gae Baek, things were starting to get vague again by that time so I caught up with the tonnes of TV I had stored on the Sky + box.

This wasn't how I imagined yesterday going, I have managed to source a couple of good books on Korean history and myths but to be honest, yesterday, I tried to star reading but couldn't hold my attention on the words for more than a minute or two so gave it up.

I had planned to go for a run today but still feel a bit off and my wife suggested that I just take another day, so I will today. The rest of today will be spent with the kids and tonight, as it's St Paddys day will be spent listening to a bit of diddley dee music in the pub with a couple of cold Guinesses, bliss!

Not looking forward to tomorrow

Woke up early this morning, I have a bit on my mind as tomorrow i am in hospital for a procedure I'm not looking forward to. I was hoping yesterday to get to the open session yesterday at the school but a long meeting at work meant I didnt get home until past 8pm, I did spend 15 mins going through Gae Bek again but I just got very frustrated as I couldnt get the flow of the pattern and ended up sprawled on the sofa instead.

I do have some cardio planned for today but I can feel a lethargy coming on me which is more to do with whats happening for the rest of the week than any actual physical tiredness. I'm going to have to get cracking first thing to stop that feeling taking hold.

Going back to the struggle I'm having with Gae Bek I am going to take a look at a websitre I have used in the past that has good videos showing the forms and hopefully that will just give me that nudge I need to crack it.

On a general level I'm still not finding that 'spark' when it comes to approaching the testing cycle, rather than the massive kick off I did for 1st Dan which seemed to last the whole 6 months, I would characterise this testing cycle more as me sat on a rusty bicycle at the bottom of a very long and steep hill. It's not that I havent started stuff, I've made good progress already on my thesis, my running is getting into a groove, its just that there is still a lot to do and I know how quick 6 months can be.

Mmm, I'm just going to put this general feeling of 'meh'down to midweek moodiness, with any luck after a good physical session first thing I'll be feeling a lot more positive about stuff. I can get cracking with plenty of work stuff and then just get the next couple of days over and done with.

Monday, Monday

Woke up this morning with a real thick head, I didnt get much sleep last night, don't know why, nothing particulary on my mind but I just couldnt settle last night.

I decided to fire up the laptop and get cracking with work about 7am, sometimes this is the way i like to work, just get on with things. I ended up working through until just before lunchtime and again the sun had come out and it was gorgeous, so not to waste the opportunity I ended up going out for a run, which really helped to change my focus away from work for 40 mins and after a quick sandwich I was able to get on with work and finish of what I needed to achieve.

I was also able to make some good progress on little jobs I had been putting off, made a good dent in my thesis and even got 30 mins to do some 2nd Dan pattern practice. On top of this I even managed to do a full session at the school tonight! So all in all this was a very fruitful and productive Monday, partly I think due to the fact i am conscious that Thursday and Friday will be out due to hospital, I'll just have to make the most of Wednesday.

Finding the positives

I've been quite conscious that the posts this week seem to be all about problems, for those who know me I'm a pretty optimistic guy who usually finds positives in everything, so it has been interesting to look back and compare them with todays post.

How can you be feeling down at the weekend! No work, no firm plans so it was nice to get up grab a coffee and a bowl of cereal and head back to bed. Michelle, my wife was off to a printing course today so I was designated adult to the kids. I decided to set a stellar example by staying in bed and firing up the inlayer. I ended up watching a great programme that followed David Walliams, the comedian, in his Sport Relief Thames swim.

It was a really inspirational programme showing a guy who isn't an athlete pushing himself to achieve something the no one else had attempted. He himself talked about the mental aspect of the swim, the focus needed to push past the times when the body was saying no. After the programme I was always going to go for a run but I have to say I felt really energised as I started out and realised I was putting in a good time, with plenty of effort,so much so that I found myself heading back in towards home and realised that I may have pushed a bit too hard. The breathing was tough, I was noticing the little aches and pains in my muscles and I started to get a stitch.

This is when the mental effort really kicks in, it's these times when things start to get ucomfortable that it becomes all too easy to listen to the little voice that says "take a break, walk for a bit, it doesn't matter" it's down to will and a bit of mental toughness to get past that voice to counter it with "do it, keep running, it's not far, just past this next road sign" all these little tricks help you get past the uncomfortable moments and enable you to achieve what you set out. I ended up finishing the run, in glorious sunshine, very tired but pleased that I had completed it and not compromised on what I set out to do. I even shaved another minute off the time which is good but not something I want to do each time I do the route!

So looking back there may have been some problems, especially yesterday which I have tried to blank out as it was a bust across the board, but I'm still doing it, still sticking at it and as long as I keep that attitude I should be okay.

Tomorrow is rugby day, saying that though I am on the sofa having just watched the Wales game and about to watch the Ireland game but let's not split hairs! I will need to crack on with some prep and patterns practice tomorrow morning, freeing me up for an afternoon shouting at the TV in the pub whilst consuming a moderate amount on Guiness, looking forward to it and what a great way to wind down the weekend.

Pain

Went training tonight, even though my stomach was feeling as if it was gripped by a fist and was being twisted by a particulary evil bastard. I've had stomach and digestive problems for a year now and it has had a real negative impact on my quality of life over that period. It comes and goes throughout the week, some days it just feels like I have a frog in my throat, on bad days like today, I feel sick, lethargic and generally like the last thing I want to do is visit the school to put some physical and mental effort in.

I'm back home now, I only did the first session of what should have been nearly an hour and a half of training, it was a real focus session tonight on some basic techniques,the effort required though to get them spot on, with the right attention to detail but still with power and commitment really took it out of me.

It's nights like this where I feel the old spark and wish I could go that bit further but the pain gets to you, wears you down, makes you that little bit of a quitter. Perhaps I could have stayed a bit longer, but all I could think about was coming home, sitting down and completely relaxing. To the Stewart of 2 years ago that would have been unacceptable, 2 years ago I would have blitzed through the class, come home, carried out some stretches and some conditioning reps, planned out the next days activities against my training plan, that Stewart would look at me and say "quitter, you just don't want it enough!" But I'm not that person, I've had to modify what I can achieve to fit around the days where I do feel like I want to throw up. The good days are awesome, I have used physical activity to help tune out the discomfort when it's not so acute, running helps to focus on something else apart from how I'm feeling physically.

Pain is something lots of people live with every day, mine is more annoying discomfort, but it's been enough that it has left a mark on me, some days I look and feel older than I am, some days there is no drive, no will to achieve anything, luckily this isn't every day. Next week I go to the hospital for another exploratory procedure, hopefully this will move me one step closer to getting back to a more normal state.

Tomorrow I hope is one of the good days.

Mid week madness

Very mixed day yesterday really,it all started off pretty normally and then it all kicked off before lunch which meant I had to change my plans for the day and pushed my stress levels through the roof. It got a bit crazy so I thought I needed to de stress a bit and decided to bite the bullet and replace my knacked 5 year old trainers. I ended up taking a trip to Easy Runners in Bristol and spent my lunch hour going through a running gait analysis and then got myself a brand new pair of running shoes.

The rest of the day was spent rushing about doing work related stuff and generally raising my blood pressure and getting ratty with everyone, it wasn't until I had met my youngest daughters teacher at her parents evening that I actually felt calm and relaxed again. I felt so good that I ended up buying a box of chocolates, a bottle of fizz and ended up having a decadent evening in a hot bath with the wife!

Mid week drinking is not something that i do very often, if at all and waking up this morning reminds me why! It's the sore head and fuzzy thinking that I am going to blame for the fact I bought a new iPad, I have had my iPad 1 since it came out in 2010 and I always said to myself that when a retina version came out I would replace it, this morning the hand slipped and whoops, new iPad on order!

Just have to pay for it all now...

Therapeutic running

It was really nice waking up this morning without the need to be anywhere like North London at a ridiculously early time. I was able to get a coffee on, fire up the laptop and catch up with things at work that sometimes get shifted to the bottom of the pile when you have to rush about. It wasn't long though until the email in tray was filling up, the phone was ringing and my well planned out day degenerated into sorting out lots of little issues. I got to lunchtime and sat on the sofa was revelling in the sunshine streaming through the lounge windows, looking up at the crisp, clear blue sky I decided to pause what I was working on, quickly threw on some running gear and headed out into the wilds of Wotton.

One of the goals I have set myself as part of his 2nd Dan testing cycle is to run the Bristol Half Marathon in September. Now I dislike running, you could say I hate it, even loathe it, but today getting into a rhythm, feeling the road under my feet really helped me to switch off from what had been going on that morning. The iPod was on random but the songs that kept coming up fitted the location, the mood, the weather and I found myself actually enjoying it.

I got back in, having done a pretty good time and felt able to pick up where I had left off and ended up achieving alot for the rest of the afternoon.

Still doesn't mean I've changed my mind about running though, well maybe a little bit(let's see what I put when it's chucking it down with rain!)

The road goes ever on and on....

Nearly 2 years since I last blogged about starting the journey to becoming a black belt and it feels strange coming back in and starting again. Looking back on all the posts I made during that period it brings it all back, the stress, the pressure I put on my self, the feeling of exhilaration, nervousness and excitement when I finally graded and was awarded my black belt. But I also noticed the pause afterwards, a feeling of what next, the sudden feeling that I imagine everyone feels when they have been focused on something important, attained it and then cast about for the next challenge.

The two years after my black belt have felt a bit like that, I have seen itchy feet syndrome at work where I feel that I need to do something else, prove myself again at a higher level and live with a feeling of frustration whe things haven't progressed as I wanted them to. This has also led to a constant feeling of disruption, the inability to settle as I strive to find a groove to get back into. This inability to settle has also applied to my martial arts training, as I have worked hard to try and carve a new future professionaly, the time and commitment I have been able to give my martial arts training has suffered greatly.

I recall with great pride and happiness the feeling of wanting and needing to train all the time, the flush of excitement when I had nailed a certain pattern, or grasped a new concept at the school. This was matched by being surrounded by a great peer group who matched my levels of enthusiasm and we all fed off each others positivity. But where am I today, why have I kicked off the blog again?

last week I applied for my 2nd Dan in Ilyo Mu Do Kwan, and instead of feeling exhilarated I feel nervous, apprehensive, I'm asking questions of myself, can I commit, am I worthy of it, am I up to it and even Do I want it?

Things have changed, I'm different to who I was two years ago, I'm older, having turned 40 last year, I have been going through a prolonged period of I'll health which is just debilitating enough to affect my training and is enough to kick off bouts of feeling low and depressed.

So why do it? Why put myself through another 6 months of scrutiny, why challenge myself when I could just tick along, not test myself, just 'cruise'? Partly its because I have two young daughters and hey need to see an example of someone who doesn't just take the easy path, they need to see that to get something worthwhile in life you have to work hard, sacrifice and yes feel uncomfortable sometimes. But also it's very much a part of who I am, what makes me,me. Since starting marital arts training over 5 years ago I have become fitter, stronger, rediscovered a love for physicality, taken part in activities that have tested me, scared me and made me realise that life has to be lived to get the positive benefits, rather than just succumb to a so called 'simple' life.

This first post was always going to be a bit of a stream of consciousness, it's all the things that have been rattling around in my head for months since I started thinking of going for my 2nd Dan, this time it's more to prove to myself that I want to continue my journey though life than proving I have what it takes to make it.

This is me, Stewart Davison, with all the flaws, faults, imperfections, annoying habits, driven intensity, quick temper, even quicker laughter and the strong, stubborn will to begin the next chapter, to take the next turn in the road on my journey to being a black belt. Let's see what happens in the next 6 months, I hope you will hitch a ride with me.